A Good Laugh

I was checking out a friend's Facebook page, perusing photos and came across ones from high school, some with me in them.  All of a sudden I became aware of a tightness in my chest!  No, not an impending heart attack, but an IMMATURITY attack: flashbacks of how I felt around this person as a teenager!  My insecurities, my mistakes, those small feelings I had back then...  sigh...  things I wish I had done differently, all came back!  Yikes!  Then came the "if onlies".  That is, "If only I had been more mature, more confident.  If only I had known myself better.  If only I had been ME (that is, the me I am today!)"

I quickly realized that these feelings rushed up because I wanted this person to like me because I always felt that that wasn't the case.

I took a breath and reminded myself that I am NOT that same insecure teenager anymore.  I am not silent nor a stranger to my own voice.  I do not need to be validated by others.  (Well, okay, yes, I do, but not like this and not by that person.) 

And the tightness went away and the laughter filled me up...along with the relief that I am me (and not who I was back then!).

As cliche and immature as having those old feelings and doubts rising up out of the blue may be, I am grateful for the experience.  Why?  Because I got a good laugh out of it, that's why.

Ha HAAAAAA!!!!!

And it's a good thing to laugh at oneself.

Bring on those pictures.  

I'm always up for a good laugh.  

How about you?

The Clock Is Not Ticking But Time Is Talking

How do you tell time?  Do you have something that ticks & tocks?  I rely on a number of time-telling devices...my car, my computer, my oven/stove, my new iPhone 4S (yay!), my watch.  None of these make clock-like noise.  They are all silent.  There is no rhythmic ticking by of seconds to keep me up at night or distract me while I'm on the computer or deep in thought.  But they keep me moving forward... they help get me out the door, encouraging me by showing I'm improving on not being late all the time, and humbling me by showing I'm not on time all the time, either.  These time-telling devices have transformed my routine and as a result, have made me a better person, I think.  

The most important time-telling device I have, though, is my body. 

This past year, my body has begun doing some funky, weird stuff.  I won't bombard you with details, really, but I'll give you an example.  It's stuff it's never done before.   Like all of a sudden, two weeks ago, I broke out in a terrible rash on the back of two fingers and parts on my wrist & other forearm which looked like I had a chemical burn of some sort (I did not) which was painful and itchy.  After a week of it not improving and, in fact, getting worse, I went to a dermatologist and was told I have eczema.  I have never had eczema in my life.  Why start now?

Specifics can be narrowed down to stress, an allergic reaction to something I either ate or was exposed to, hot water, and frequent hand-washing (got kids? got dishes?).  For me, though, as I look at the broader picture, I see something different.  It isn't that my body IS reacting to these things.  It's that my body is NOW reacting to these things.  What has changed?  I've had stress for years.  I haven't been allergic to anything as far as I'm aware.  My eating patterns haven't changed and I haven't been exposed to chemicals new to me - - they are ones I've used and to which I have never reacted.  I repeat, what's changed?

I'm OLDER.  My body is not ticking but it is TALKING.  It is telling me things are changing and I need to get with the program.  I can't do things the same way I've always done them because something in my body is going to rebel.  Be a night owl?  Nnnnnope.  Eat ice cream and not gain weight?  BIG FAT NOPE.  Lose weight without exercising?  Uh, no...  Spicy jalapeno chips?  Hello, heartburn!  I look at my new eczema and tell myself maybe I am NOW allergic to that which I wasn't allergic before.  Maybe my stress has caught up with me or at least now, my body is handling it differently.  Maybe now I truly need to pay more attention to what I put into my body because it needs to use everything more efficiently.

It's like when when I was a kid, I LOVED having a messy room because it was easier to take care of.  Having a messy room meant I didn't have to clean it.  It wasn't ideal but it worked for me.  It did NOT work for my mom, however, and I was always being yelled at to clean it up.  Now that I am a mom and I see my kids' messy room, it drives me nuts!  I tell them to clean it up and feel so relieved when it's clear and I can walk through there.  I've grown up.  The mess bothers me now. 

THAT'S how my BODY is.  The "mess" bothers it now, too.  It has grown up and now it wants to de-clutter!  My body is talking to me, telling me it's time to de-clutter what I put into it and how I schedule its calendar.  I need to sleep more, exercise more, laugh more, and eat less.  In other words, my body clock isn't ticking with sound, but it is TALKING loud and clear!

How about you?  Is your body telling you anything?

 

Parenting is a tough row to hoe.

I try to plant Respect, Kindness, Thoughtfulness, and Consideration as well as cultivate my children's individuality, independent thought and self-reliance.

It is sometimes like sowing in the rockiest earth imaginable with rocks left, right, & center.  I am forever needing to address typical childhood obstacles all the livelong day to get to the fertile ground. 

Part of my frustration of being a parent is not knowing whether or not my efforts will pay off, if I've made any difference...if anything I've planted will take root.  I won't know if I was a good farmer until my kids grow up and tell me if I was or not.  

The other night, I caught a glimpse of some of the goodness I have planted in my children and I was encouraged.

My sons & I were at my daughter's Girl Scout Brownie meeting and one of the Brownies was passing out cake.  She tripped and landed hard on the ground, cake flying off the plate, crumbs all around.  It sounded like she had hit her head on the concrete floor.  The scout's mom ran over to her and immediately comforted her (she was a little shaken for a few minutes but turned out to be fine, luckily, no head contact with the floor).  I went over, too, and started picking up the mess so no one would slip on it.  I scooped up what I could and took it over to the trash, detouring to get a paper towel wet. 

When I returned, I saw my 9 year old son already in my place, wiping up the crumbs and leftovers that needed cleaning, doing his best to help.

He just did it.  On his own. 

This snarky, smart-alecky, not-always-nice-to-his-siblings and oftentimes annoying-the-living-daylights-out-of-me-just-for-the-fun-of-it nine year-old who seemingly gets enjoyment in getting away with whatever he is able to...  surprised me... and filled me with pride...  and showed me that even the rockiest rows are fertile and can grow wonderful things.

I see the promise of a bumper crop in the future.

Shine

My dear friend Albert helps me get my home put together one week at a time, every Thursday.  Of course, having young kids around, within hours of him leaving, it seems as if things all go back to how they were before he came.  By the time my hubby Peter comes home, often it is as if Albert had never been there.

But he was.

And underneath the layer of toys and blankets and pillows strewn about the house and the dishes piled up in the sink and on the counter after multiplying exponentially, there is CLEAN.  There is change.  The kitchen floor feels good to walk on.  The pictures, the knick-knacks and the furniture sparkle & shine, no longer dull by a layer of dust.  The grout in the bathrooms are restored to their original color, no longer obscured by residue or dirty feet.  The toilets are beautiful.  The glass is so clear it disappears.  Fingerprints on mirrors are non-existent.  However, it's hard to SEE that with all the mess yelling, "LOOK AT MEEEEE!!!"

That's the way it is with change, too.  Subtle.  Unnoticed.  Obscured.  Hidden.

But it's there.

Tonight, I was to go to my husband's work for a meeting with the company HR person regarding the open enrollment changes coming up.  The meeting was scheduled right around dinner time, the kids were coming with me and Peter would still be there, so I had prepared dinner ahead of time, packed it up and was pleased that we got out the door with food-in-hand, kids presentable, and we left On-Time.  On-Time, I tell you! 

Twenty minutes before the meeting's start time, I was off the freeway and on the road, positioned to arrive about 5 minutes early, Peter called to confirm I was coming.  His tone was somewhat agitated which I mentally attributed to him wanting to make sure I got there on-time and I thought I would soothe his nerves by reassuring him that I was almost there.  Yes, I told him, I'm already off the freeway. 

He said, "You KNOW the meeting was from 6 - 7, right?  Not STARTING at 7.  ENDING at 7."

Whaaaaaaat?????? 

In other words, I am not early.  I am late.  Very, VERY late.  I arrive 3 minutes before the end of the meeting.

Sigh...........

I'll conclude simply that the HR woman was quite gracious, very professional, and stayed longer to explain things to me while making me feel at ease.  I was very bummed, however, that I came off as being the Always-Late Me that I have worked so hard to change. 

But I console myself now by realizing that I am like my house.  My mistakes yell, "LOOK AT MEEEEE!!!" and the world sees the same old me, flaws and all.  But I know the truth.  I have made changes and deep down, I shine.

Something New

All good things start with a beginning.  This is mine.  I have never swum in bloggy waters before but as part of my personal goal of striving to become better, I decided an hour ago to jump in and give it a go.

And here I am:  writing my first blog ever.

I am Meridith.  I am a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom of 3 kids, married for 13 years (TODAY!) to the love of my life (Peter), and an aspiring songwriter/singer.  

Truthfully, I am aspiring to become a better version of myself across the board  (more so than actively aspiring to make something of my music).

And that is what this blog will be about:  my journey of becoming BETTER.

You have many choices of how to spend your time & of which blogs you'll read, so I thank you for choosing to read mine.  Thank you!  That's pretty awesome of you!  Won't you leave a comment below to let me know you stopped by?  Share some words of wisdom?  And please, come back again & again!