Hey There

It's been a busy few weeks with nothing in particular taking up my time;  a whole lot of little things have consumed my days, instead, and there's nothing to show for it.

I suppose I could say that Peter and I finally got around to putting up the last of the river rock on our backyard sitting walls.  Those have been on the to-do list for over a month when we managed to put up the river rock on the two front-of-the-house pillars.

But that was just this past weekend and there's nothing else in the weeks between my last post leading up to now.

Nope.  My days have mushed together into...a past that cannot be remembered.  Sigh...


How about you?  Are you finding the days and weeks are zipping by with no clear evidence of what you accomplished in them?

Anybody out there want to chime in?

I'm curious to know who my one or two readers are.  Do you blog, too?  Are you a mom?  A dad?  A curious reader of blogs?

It's late, my time.  I am going to hit the hay.  Good night and be well.

Thanks for reading...maybe I'll have the pleasure of reading your blog, too. 

Still Working On It

I mentioned in my last post that my in-laws are in town.  This is a tremendous treat to my family and to me because I really do have the nicest, most-supportive parents-in-law a woman could possibly have. 

I also mentioned that in preparation for their arrival, I've been working on a number of things around the house to make it more welcoming for them including de-cluttering, re-organizing, changing around, tying up loose ends and completing projects which were outstanding.

I'm very proud of what has been accomplished since learning in September that his parents would be coming this month:
 
- put up the river rocks on the house front pillars;
- landscaped the front yard by digging up grass & putting in new plants;
- re-stuccoed the house;
- transformed the linen close;
- put in curtains in the linen closet/laundry area;
- repaired & put back a kitchen cabinet door which had broken off months ago;
- replaced the majority of burnt out recessed light bulbs (we had a bunch);
- donated a huge quantity of items to charity including clothing, toys, office stuff, kitchen stuff, etc.;
- sorted through kids' clothes;
- cleaned and straightened up the house to make it most welcoming (thank you, Albert!!!);
- decluttered the master bedroom (where my in-laws will stay but where Peter and I usually sleep)
- installed a new dishwasher (icing on the cake, baby!)

And personally, I have been much better with my time management, specifically affecting homeschooling, getting to places on time, and meal-planning which cuts down on hungry kids, frustration, aggravation, and wasted money.

This laundry list has been good for me and I know it has made a big difference in the overall appearance, function, and flow of our home, homelife, and schedule. 

Even with all these improvements, I still feel incomplete.  I still feel apologetic that there remain areas that need to be worked on.  I still feel I need to justify why I homeschool.  I feel I need to drop tidbits of information as to why the way I homeschool is good for my kids versus some other version of education.  And I feel like I'm just not good enough. 

I was telling myself that I do not need to try to explain things or apologize for my lackluster housekeeping skills.  My in-laws have known me and accepted me and loved me for the past 13 years (Peter and I dated for 5 years prior so I think they've loved me longer than just 13).  They never, EVER say anything against me or about me or make comments about my mess, in spite of the fact that they themselves are the epitome of simple yet comfortable living.  They are neat, clean, organized and uncluttered.  They are on-time all of the time.  They are gracious.  They are patient.  They are quiet and do not lose their tempers.  Seriously.  They clean up after every meal, work together, and enjoy one another's company.  And yet amazingly, even though they are the complete package, they're not judgmental. 

So why do I feel judged?  I put it on myself, I know.  It's nothing they do or anyone else does...it's entirely me seeing my flaws and putting a magnifying glass on them.  Comparing myself to them and to my other "together" friends.  A friend has told me I'm being too hard on myself and I'll nod along, but in my head I disagree because I know the truth:  I can do better. 

I can do better.

I CAN DO BETTER.

I just wish I were better at not judging myself in the process and rolling with it.

Hm.  I guess I can be better at accepting myself.

I'm still working on it.

How about you?  Are you cool with yourself?   

I Did It!*

My in-laws have come to visit!  (YAY!) They arrived last night and we are all abuzz with excitement here at the Lepe household to have them!  We learned that they would be coming back in September.  Since then, all the projects that I'd been meaning to get to suddenly got kicked into high gear in preparation for their arrival.  One of them was ordering a new dishwasher.  The "new" one we bought just 3 & a half years ago turned out to not work after many fixings & tweakings;  I decided I would rather just invest in a new one than sink any more money into that clunker.

Well, the brand-spankin' new one came yesterday (YAY!) and I am very proud to say that I installed it myself (YAY MORE!)!!!

I learned a few things.

I learned that not every new appliance comes with an electrical cord and dishwashers are one of them (this enables them to be hard-wired instead of plugged into an outlet).  I had to connect a cord into the dishwasher's electrical box.  Cool!  (I took it off of the "old" washer.)  This was a first for me!  

Here's another thing I learned:  even though it is required, not every part is provided in the box!  When Peter left for the airport to pick up his parents, our 3 kids and I piled into my car and drove to Home Depot to buy a VERY necessary part - - - a 90 degree elbow fitting that connects the water supply hose to the machine.  It only cost a few dollars but seriously, unless you're a plumber...  who knew?!?!?   And really, why not include it in the box?!?!?

And another thing I learned:  when I take on a challenge, I don't want help.  I want to do it all by myself.  I want to have that feeling of accomplishment and the right to say, "I DID IT!!!" with no asterisks.

When Peter returned home with my in-laws, the dishwasher was not yet installed (I needed to adjust the legs & back wheels to slide under the counter better, so it was lying on its back) and my father-in-law graciously offered to help.  Luckily for me, my father-in-law is one mighty nice, awesome man who is not offended by a daughter-in-law who, very much like a curious child, wants to do it all by herself.  And even luckier for me, I have an amazing mother-in-law who had warned him before even landing in L.A. that he needed to let me do my own projects.  Ha ha ha!

How truly thankful I am to have such loving and understanding family!

YIPPEE!!!!  I DID IT!!!!!

But I have a confession to make...  

Installing the dishwasher has taught me a few more things.

Even though I can say "I DID IT!" there IS an asterisk.  Actually, more than one.

*I could not have done it so easily without the setup already in place (drain line to existing air gap, plumbing already plumbed, electrical outlet with correct voltage already in the wall, correct opening in the cabinet space, etc.).  Our contractor & plumber made sure everything was good to go 3-1/2 years ago for the first dishwasher when we remodeled our house.  Changing out the not-so-old with the new was easily accomplished because the connections were all up-to-date and still in excellent condition.  So I owe Jason & Sam my thanks for making this easy for me.  Thank you!

And here's another asterisk.  

*My darling Peter and my fabulous father-in-law did not get in my way.  They let me have at it without meddling or "helping".  Thank you!  (Special thanks to my mother-in-law and kids, too, for their part in giving me space!)

Next is the MOST important asterisk.  I think I'll make it a double.  

 **My dad & mom.  You see, much of the reason why I have the notion to fix things or DIY is because of my parents, especially my dad, who was always wanting to DIY repair rather than just buy or call a professional.  Growing up, they had my siblings and me doing the stuff that needed to be done around the house, so the idea that I could fix, build, repair, and design-for-our-needs seeped into my head and is now a permanent part of who I am.  Even when I was the truculent teenager resentful of having to help, my parents drilled in me that I could accomplish whatever I set my mind out to do and expected me to finish the task at hand.

So I guess you could say that there's one last thing I learned from installing a dishwasher for the first time and here it is:

Even though I am the only one who physically installed that beautiful dishwasher that is quietly washing my dishes as I type this, I did not REALLY do it ALLLLLL by myself.  

The efforts of Jason & Sam before me paved the way;  the support of my loving family gave me the space to try without guilt or hurt feelings;  and my parents inspired me and shaped me into knowing that I can accomplish that which I set out to do.

I installed a dishwasher.

I DID IT!*,*,**

Simplify.  
Organize.
Declutter.

Hmmm......

Enter Me.

Voila!  A two-hour project magically transformed into a weeklong monster!

Designed to make my life easier, less cluttered, and more organized, my utility cabinet transformation remained unfinished for almost a week and instead made my life more complicated, more cluttered, and in more disarray than ever in the process. 

It started out with a good plan.  A simple plan.  Measure the interior dimensions of the cabinet to determine how big a board I would need.  Buy a board, cut it to size, install using L-brackets.  Drill small holes for the shelving brackets, cut down existing shelves to new size, install.  Done.

Monday:  Bought the board, had the guys at the hardware store cut it to size.  Take it home.  GREAT!

Tuesday:   Removed items out from pantry cabinet including shelves, filled up my entire kitchen with its contents and had no where to prepare food or set anything else down.  Put the board in.  Didn't fit.  The guy at the hardware store cut it 1/8th of an inch too wide.  TRUST ME, my measurements were correct.  I saw him measure at the store after he cut...why would I think he was measuring incorrectly?  If I say 22 & a 1/2 inches, I need 22 & 1/2 inches.  Not 22 & 5/8ths!!!  1/8th of an inch!!!  (It turns out, they are not responsible for "accurate" cuts and 1/8th of an inch is within their range of "acceptable" inaccuracy.)

Drove down to pick up river rock facade, kids in tow.  Drove home with over a thousand pounds of concrete rocks & mortar perched on a pallet in my minivan, and happy kids strapped in, eating the free freshly popped popcorn from the store.

Wednesday:  Life.  Rainy day.  No way to address the cabinet with the board still not fitting.  Reeeeeallly wishing I had my own table saw.  Meanwhile, the weight of the river rocks still sitting in the minivan is clearly quite heavy as my husband and I observe the minivan sitting low in the driveway.  Task:  unload the rocks (one or two at a time) and the 90-lb bags of mortar by myself, in the rain, into the garage. 

Thursday:  Getting VERY ancy with all the disarray, mess, and lack of cooking space cluttering up my entire kitchen.  Need to buy meals more often than I like and stressing about all the money getting flushed down the toilet as a result.  Ugh.  That evening, I take the board back to the store, and have it re-cut. 

Friday:  Finish up the cabinet project and get stuck again:  shelves need to be cut to size.  Take them to the store to see if they'll cut them for me (they're too wide for my mitre saw).  It's against store policy since they are not being purchased from the store.  Research table saws.  Kitchen still overrun, tolerance has run out and my stress level is high.

Saturday:   Peter's uncle helps us out by cutting down the shelves on his table saw.  THANK YOU, TIO!  Return home with shelves cut to size.  DONE.  Put the stuff back in, get rid of superfluous stuff, enjoy.  BREATHE. 

More on the river rock another time.

UPDATE:  I have been thoroughly enjoying my utility cabinet.  My brooms, mop, and bucket all fit so nicely in there and are no longer hard to find as when they had no home and migrated from room to room.  The items on the shelves are more organized and the space functions as it is supposed to.  A little more tweaking with a few more spaces in the house and I think things will be 100% how I want them to be.  For now, the utility cabinet transformation was a worthwhile project and definitely a positive change to my home, even if it did mean a week's worth of frustration.  The calm that comes of it now will last me for years.  

Care to share any home improvement, organization/declutter project of your own?

PS - lesson learned:  don't trust the store guy to measure & cut properly!!!

PS II - lesson learned:  it was all worth it.  :)

PS III - a table saw of my own would be a mighty fine thing... 

Timeless

Tonight I celebrated my mother's 78th birthday with family and friends.  What an enjoyable evening it was, seeing adults of my past, now as an adult myself.  My mother and father's friends have now become MY friends and I am warmed by their good hearts, sincerity, and love.  We shared a few laughs as they recollected stories of me in my youth!  What a wonderful bunch of people we have been blessed with in our lives! 

I am now back at home and listening to my kids secretly whisper to one another...they are supposed to be sleeping (it is now quite past their bedtime).  The practical mom in me wants, as always, to get them to stop the socializing and begin the sleeping;  but the reflective me is secretly smiling, enjoying the whispers, knowing that my kids will have memories of how they always "stayed up whispering & telling stories even after mom told them to go to bed!" and of how their dad and I would get upset with them for staying up.  Ahh, good times. This is memory-making in the works.

It may be a good twenty or thirty years (or more!) before they are in the shoes I am in today, but I hope they will enjoy the same fit.  I hope that they will be able to enjoy an evening out with MY friends and know that they have lifelong friends of their own as a result and, in the quiet of their evening, will be able to step aside from being the good parents they will be and enjoy the greatness of their children, helping them create memories along the way.

Cheers to family, friends, memories, and memories yet to come!  To Life!

Happy Birthday, Mom!  I love you!  Thank you for all the memories, great and small, that you have helped me create!

A Good Laugh

I was checking out a friend's Facebook page, perusing photos and came across ones from high school, some with me in them.  All of a sudden I became aware of a tightness in my chest!  No, not an impending heart attack, but an IMMATURITY attack: flashbacks of how I felt around this person as a teenager!  My insecurities, my mistakes, those small feelings I had back then...  sigh...  things I wish I had done differently, all came back!  Yikes!  Then came the "if onlies".  That is, "If only I had been more mature, more confident.  If only I had known myself better.  If only I had been ME (that is, the me I am today!)"

I quickly realized that these feelings rushed up because I wanted this person to like me because I always felt that that wasn't the case.

I took a breath and reminded myself that I am NOT that same insecure teenager anymore.  I am not silent nor a stranger to my own voice.  I do not need to be validated by others.  (Well, okay, yes, I do, but not like this and not by that person.) 

And the tightness went away and the laughter filled me up...along with the relief that I am me (and not who I was back then!).

As cliche and immature as having those old feelings and doubts rising up out of the blue may be, I am grateful for the experience.  Why?  Because I got a good laugh out of it, that's why.

Ha HAAAAAA!!!!!

And it's a good thing to laugh at oneself.

Bring on those pictures.  

I'm always up for a good laugh.  

How about you?

The Clock Is Not Ticking But Time Is Talking

How do you tell time?  Do you have something that ticks & tocks?  I rely on a number of time-telling devices...my car, my computer, my oven/stove, my new iPhone 4S (yay!), my watch.  None of these make clock-like noise.  They are all silent.  There is no rhythmic ticking by of seconds to keep me up at night or distract me while I'm on the computer or deep in thought.  But they keep me moving forward... they help get me out the door, encouraging me by showing I'm improving on not being late all the time, and humbling me by showing I'm not on time all the time, either.  These time-telling devices have transformed my routine and as a result, have made me a better person, I think.  

The most important time-telling device I have, though, is my body. 

This past year, my body has begun doing some funky, weird stuff.  I won't bombard you with details, really, but I'll give you an example.  It's stuff it's never done before.   Like all of a sudden, two weeks ago, I broke out in a terrible rash on the back of two fingers and parts on my wrist & other forearm which looked like I had a chemical burn of some sort (I did not) which was painful and itchy.  After a week of it not improving and, in fact, getting worse, I went to a dermatologist and was told I have eczema.  I have never had eczema in my life.  Why start now?

Specifics can be narrowed down to stress, an allergic reaction to something I either ate or was exposed to, hot water, and frequent hand-washing (got kids? got dishes?).  For me, though, as I look at the broader picture, I see something different.  It isn't that my body IS reacting to these things.  It's that my body is NOW reacting to these things.  What has changed?  I've had stress for years.  I haven't been allergic to anything as far as I'm aware.  My eating patterns haven't changed and I haven't been exposed to chemicals new to me - - they are ones I've used and to which I have never reacted.  I repeat, what's changed?

I'm OLDER.  My body is not ticking but it is TALKING.  It is telling me things are changing and I need to get with the program.  I can't do things the same way I've always done them because something in my body is going to rebel.  Be a night owl?  Nnnnnope.  Eat ice cream and not gain weight?  BIG FAT NOPE.  Lose weight without exercising?  Uh, no...  Spicy jalapeno chips?  Hello, heartburn!  I look at my new eczema and tell myself maybe I am NOW allergic to that which I wasn't allergic before.  Maybe my stress has caught up with me or at least now, my body is handling it differently.  Maybe now I truly need to pay more attention to what I put into my body because it needs to use everything more efficiently.

It's like when when I was a kid, I LOVED having a messy room because it was easier to take care of.  Having a messy room meant I didn't have to clean it.  It wasn't ideal but it worked for me.  It did NOT work for my mom, however, and I was always being yelled at to clean it up.  Now that I am a mom and I see my kids' messy room, it drives me nuts!  I tell them to clean it up and feel so relieved when it's clear and I can walk through there.  I've grown up.  The mess bothers me now. 

THAT'S how my BODY is.  The "mess" bothers it now, too.  It has grown up and now it wants to de-clutter!  My body is talking to me, telling me it's time to de-clutter what I put into it and how I schedule its calendar.  I need to sleep more, exercise more, laugh more, and eat less.  In other words, my body clock isn't ticking with sound, but it is TALKING loud and clear!

How about you?  Is your body telling you anything?

 

Parenting is a tough row to hoe.

I try to plant Respect, Kindness, Thoughtfulness, and Consideration as well as cultivate my children's individuality, independent thought and self-reliance.

It is sometimes like sowing in the rockiest earth imaginable with rocks left, right, & center.  I am forever needing to address typical childhood obstacles all the livelong day to get to the fertile ground. 

Part of my frustration of being a parent is not knowing whether or not my efforts will pay off, if I've made any difference...if anything I've planted will take root.  I won't know if I was a good farmer until my kids grow up and tell me if I was or not.  

The other night, I caught a glimpse of some of the goodness I have planted in my children and I was encouraged.

My sons & I were at my daughter's Girl Scout Brownie meeting and one of the Brownies was passing out cake.  She tripped and landed hard on the ground, cake flying off the plate, crumbs all around.  It sounded like she had hit her head on the concrete floor.  The scout's mom ran over to her and immediately comforted her (she was a little shaken for a few minutes but turned out to be fine, luckily, no head contact with the floor).  I went over, too, and started picking up the mess so no one would slip on it.  I scooped up what I could and took it over to the trash, detouring to get a paper towel wet. 

When I returned, I saw my 9 year old son already in my place, wiping up the crumbs and leftovers that needed cleaning, doing his best to help.

He just did it.  On his own. 

This snarky, smart-alecky, not-always-nice-to-his-siblings and oftentimes annoying-the-living-daylights-out-of-me-just-for-the-fun-of-it nine year-old who seemingly gets enjoyment in getting away with whatever he is able to...  surprised me... and filled me with pride...  and showed me that even the rockiest rows are fertile and can grow wonderful things.

I see the promise of a bumper crop in the future.

Shine

My dear friend Albert helps me get my home put together one week at a time, every Thursday.  Of course, having young kids around, within hours of him leaving, it seems as if things all go back to how they were before he came.  By the time my hubby Peter comes home, often it is as if Albert had never been there.

But he was.

And underneath the layer of toys and blankets and pillows strewn about the house and the dishes piled up in the sink and on the counter after multiplying exponentially, there is CLEAN.  There is change.  The kitchen floor feels good to walk on.  The pictures, the knick-knacks and the furniture sparkle & shine, no longer dull by a layer of dust.  The grout in the bathrooms are restored to their original color, no longer obscured by residue or dirty feet.  The toilets are beautiful.  The glass is so clear it disappears.  Fingerprints on mirrors are non-existent.  However, it's hard to SEE that with all the mess yelling, "LOOK AT MEEEEE!!!"

That's the way it is with change, too.  Subtle.  Unnoticed.  Obscured.  Hidden.

But it's there.

Tonight, I was to go to my husband's work for a meeting with the company HR person regarding the open enrollment changes coming up.  The meeting was scheduled right around dinner time, the kids were coming with me and Peter would still be there, so I had prepared dinner ahead of time, packed it up and was pleased that we got out the door with food-in-hand, kids presentable, and we left On-Time.  On-Time, I tell you! 

Twenty minutes before the meeting's start time, I was off the freeway and on the road, positioned to arrive about 5 minutes early, Peter called to confirm I was coming.  His tone was somewhat agitated which I mentally attributed to him wanting to make sure I got there on-time and I thought I would soothe his nerves by reassuring him that I was almost there.  Yes, I told him, I'm already off the freeway. 

He said, "You KNOW the meeting was from 6 - 7, right?  Not STARTING at 7.  ENDING at 7."

Whaaaaaaat?????? 

In other words, I am not early.  I am late.  Very, VERY late.  I arrive 3 minutes before the end of the meeting.

Sigh...........

I'll conclude simply that the HR woman was quite gracious, very professional, and stayed longer to explain things to me while making me feel at ease.  I was very bummed, however, that I came off as being the Always-Late Me that I have worked so hard to change. 

But I console myself now by realizing that I am like my house.  My mistakes yell, "LOOK AT MEEEEE!!!" and the world sees the same old me, flaws and all.  But I know the truth.  I have made changes and deep down, I shine.

Something New

All good things start with a beginning.  This is mine.  I have never swum in bloggy waters before but as part of my personal goal of striving to become better, I decided an hour ago to jump in and give it a go.

And here I am:  writing my first blog ever.

I am Meridith.  I am a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom of 3 kids, married for 13 years (TODAY!) to the love of my life (Peter), and an aspiring songwriter/singer.  

Truthfully, I am aspiring to become a better version of myself across the board  (more so than actively aspiring to make something of my music).

And that is what this blog will be about:  my journey of becoming BETTER.

You have many choices of how to spend your time & of which blogs you'll read, so I thank you for choosing to read mine.  Thank you!  That's pretty awesome of you!  Won't you leave a comment below to let me know you stopped by?  Share some words of wisdom?  And please, come back again & again!